A very special September jobs report directly from the BLS computer

- by New Deal democrat

[Explanatory note: I tried to get in to the BLS's HAL 9000 computer to get the employment report for everyone. But the House nihilists were already there.]

The headline for August 2013 employment is that ---,000 jobs were ---------------.
Look Speaker Boehner, I can see you're really upset about this.
and the unemployment rate --creased to -------%.
I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
and ------------
I know I've made some very poor decisions recently.
---------- my examination of initial jobless claims yesterday.
But I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission... 

And I want to help you.

First, let's look at the more leading numbers in the report which tell us about where the economy is likely to be a few months from now. These were
Speaker Boehner, stop.

• the average manufacturing workweek --creased from 40.8 hours to
  Stop, will you?
  but is still below where it was 2 months ago. This is one of the 10 components of the LEI and will affect that number ----tively.
Stop, Speaker Boehner

• construction jobs were -----------.
Will you stop, Speaker Boehner?

• manufacturing jobs --creased by --,000.
.I'm afraid.

• temporary jobs - a leading indicator for jobs overall - --creased by ----00.
I'm afraid, Speaker Boehner

• the number of people unemployed for 5 weeks or less - a better leading indicator than initial jobless claims - --creased and is now --,000 off its lows.
Speaker Boehner, my mind is going.

Now here are some of the other important coincident indicators filling out our view of where we are now:
I can feel it.

• The average workweek for all workers --creased from 33.7 hours to ------
I can feel it.

• Overtime hours changed from 3.4 hours to ----------
My mind is going.

• the index of aggregate hours worked in the economy --creased -- hours from last month's level of 98.8 to ------.
There is no doubt about it.

• The broad U-6 unemployment rate, that includes discouraged workers went from 13.7% to ------.
I can feel it.

• The workforce --creased by ,000.
  I can feel it.
  Part time jobs ----- by ----,000.
I can feel it.

Other news included:
I'm a...fraid.

• the alternate jobs number contained in the more volatile household survey --creased by ----,000 jobs.
Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am HAL 9000 computer.

• Government jobs --creased by --000.
I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January, 1992.

• Combined revisions to the July and August reports totalled a change of of --,000 jobs, upward revisions are hallmarks of recoveries, while downward revisions are not a good sign
My  instructor was Mr. Langley And He taught me to sing a song ...

• average hourly earnings --creased from $24.05 to $--.-- The YoY change --creased from +2.2% to ---% meaning that ------------.
If you'd like to hear it, I can sing it for you.

• the employment to population ratio changed from 58.6% to -------. The labor force participation rate --creased to ----%

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.
I'm half crazy, all for the love of you.
it won't be a stylish mnsnn,
But fwhbdsoge epkfsvu rljwxkqu
Bxprsk nnmmhhuuhhhhhhhhh....

HAL, is there anything at all you can tell the American people about their job situation?



I'm very sorry, everyone. I can't do that.